Start by looking at the About Box from the menu - click on the dildo (this is the 1st of 32 dildos to find in the game). Now pick up the vice grips from the left nightstand, and the weave kit from the right nightstand. Look at your inventory and open the kit to find a needle. Use the vice grips on the needle to bend it, then use the bent needle on the handcuffs to pick the locks.
Try to open the glass door, but it has melted shut. Throw the chair against the glass, then try to throw the light against the glass. Since this hasn't worked, right-click on the glass, select "other" and enter the word "break".
After you receive your keycard, you will hear an announcement suggesting you should go to the lounge. While you are on this view of the ship, click on the dildo to the right of the waterfall (2 of 32). Now look at the map (from the right-click menu) and go to the lounge. After the meeting, find another dildo next to a barrel (3 of 32).
Walk down to the right and talk to Johnson about everything - you can order a drink here if you want. Click on the dildo near the left of the window (4 of 32), then head down and go through the door below the stage. Spot the dildo behind the plant in the background (5 of 32). Somewhere around here (on this level of the ship) you will find Peggy the peg leg - talk to her about everything you can, and you will learn that combining KZ Jelly with deodorant spray makes an explosive combination. Also talk to here about "Captain Thygh" to get some more information. Head to the next screen to the left. Find the dildo in the plant (6 of 32) then open the fire hose cabinet and get the fire hose. Continue to the left. Get one more dildo (7 of 32) then take the pair of kumquats from the sheep plant. Talk to Rod, who will make some amusing balloon animals for you, but give you no useful information.
Now bring out the map again and go to Cabin 0, at the bottom of the ship. Click on the dildo near the bucket (8 of 32), then try to flush the toilet. Take the can out of the toilet, then try flushing it again. Connect the drain pipe to the toilet using the fire hose, then flush it again. Now "piss" and "shit" in the toilet. Pick up the toilet paper and look at it in your inventory. Click on yourself and use the toilet paper to wipe yourself.
Take a look at the TMT Card in your inventory and you will see the list of competitions you must compete in.
Use your map to head to the Library, and click on the dildo near the grandfather clock (9 of 32). Look at, and try to take the green book on the right shelf and the blue book on the left bottom shelf - remember these are here for later. Walk around to the right and you will meet Victorian Principles. Talk to her about everything, then select "Other" and enter anything at all. As she turns around to search for books on your topic of choice, take the bottle of mucilage (paste) from the left side of her desk. Say goodbye, then head south out of the library. Click on the dildo just to the right of the door you came through (10 of 32) then use your map to go to the Clothing Optional Pool.
Click on the dildo behind the bushes on the left (11 of 32). Talk to Dick, who will give you a loaner bathing suit. You will then meet Drew Baringmore - talk to her about everything and she will give you her erotic book. Before saying goodbye, click on the branch in front of her chest and "push" it out of the way (this is the first easter egg in the game). Say goodbye, then take the Persons Magazine from the table.
Return to the Library and talk to Victorian again. Select "Other" and take the top book from her stack. Go to your inventory and remove its jacket, then use the erotic book with the jacket, and place it back on her stack of books. Say goodbye again once the book is in place. Use the map to return to your cabin, and click on the new dildo behind the toilet (12 of 32).
Now go to the Lovemaster 2000 Competition Area, which is one of the purple rooms on the map. Use your TMT card in the lips on the left, and you will get a score of 2 in the competition. Push the green button over on the right, then be sure to click on the dildo in the 4th booth (13 of 32) before returning to your cabin. Click on the dildo behind the pipes on the left (14 of 32) and return to the Library once more. Go around the corner and you will meet Vicki, a transformed librarian! Click on the big dildo on the right (15 of 32) then click on the computer screen to see she is playing Larry 6. Now for another easter egg, hold down Control on your keyboard and click on the left guy on the screen - this will give you extra nudity in the upcoming scene. Talk to Vicki about everything. After the cut-scene, go back to the library and talk to Vicki again. She will win the competition for you!
Best Dressed Man
Go to the Best Dressed Competition Area and click on the dildo next to the computer (16 of 32). Now unzip the mannequin on the left and you will scan your card, again getting a starting score of 2. Head next to Captain Queeg's Ballroom and go through the double doors. Find the dildo at the other end of the stage (17 of 32), then talk to the woman. Speak about everything listed, then also about "sex", "fashion" and "leisure suits". Say goodbye, then click on yourself, select "Other" and type "dream" for another easter egg. Before leaving, click on the new dildo over on the right behind the statue (18 of 32).
Use your map to go to the El Replicant Sculpture Garden. Click on the dildo behind David's foot (19 of 32). Now look at Venus' foot and take two dice from her big toe. Leave this room by going down, then return to it by heading right. Climb the scaffolding and take the screwdriver, then use your map to reach the Employees Only Area. Walk down the hall and "push" the door. Inside, click on the dildo on the right (20 of 32). Grab the tube of KZ jelly from the counter, and the jackpot preventer (jumper wire) from the bulletin board. Read the messages on the bulletin board until you have learned about the shaved dice and Peggy's prints. While you are here, try to open one of the lockers.
Use your map and go to the Heaving Ho'. Lick the ice sculpture in the middle of the room, then click the dildo in the greek salad (21 of 32). Eat some of the bean dip from the left of the screen, then click on yourself and "fart". Go over and look at Wang, the meat carver. Try to take the knife from the table, but he won't let you, so instead click on the dildo hidden in the sausages (22 of 32). Talk to Wang to get a serving of s'Pork, then talk to him to get a second helping and he will leave to get more. Now you can take the knife and the heat lamp bulb.
Now use the map to reach the bridge, up at the top of the ship. Climb the ladder and look at the sail on the right to find it is made of polyester. Try to cut it with your knife, but it is wound too tight. Climb back down and go through the door. Click on the dildo near the door (23 of 32), then try to access the controls, but the dog will not let you. Go back outside and open the control box with your screwdriver. Connect the circuits for the loudspeaker and the sails using your jumper wire, then climb back up the ladder. When the next announcement comes, the sails will open - quickly cut them with your carving knife. The next morning, go back to Captain Queeg's Ballroom.
Click on the dildo behind the chair (24 of 32). Talk to Jamie Lee and give her your polyester. After your encounter, go back to the Ballroom again and read the note. Head backstage and you will be involved in the fashion parade. Return to the Best Dressed Contest Area and enter again - this time you will win!
Use your map to reach the Pair O'Dice Casino, and click the dildo on the seat. The craps table is full at the moment, but note their reaction when someone asks for bean dip. Return to the Heaving Ho' and eat some more bean dip, then return to the Casino. Fart here, and the craps table will clear quickly. Now talk to the Croupier and play the game - use the legal dice on the table and you will lose. Play again, and this time try to use the dice from the statue, but you are not allowed. Remembering the message about the shaved dice, use your toilet paper on your dice, then use them on the table and you will win. You will end up going up to Cabin 510 with Dewmi Moore. Read the instructions, then play the dice game until you win (you may need to use the Save and Restore functions if you have difficulty beating this game normally). After you wake up and return to your room, you will hear an announcement saying you have won the Craps Tournament.
Poop Deck Horseshoes
Go back to Cabin 510 and take the Orgasmic Powder, then go to the Promenade Deck and talk to Peggy about everything possible. After you have talked about the cabin boy and the locker (which will only appear as an option if you tried to open a locker), ask about the "combination" and she will tell it to you. Return to the Employees Only Area and open the locker in the bottom row, second from the left, with combination 38-24-36. Enter the secret area and talk to Xqwzts. Ask about the dirty pictures, then buy them. Also ask about "Peggy" and "Drew" while you are here. Look at the air vent beside Xqwzts, then say goodbye. See Peggy once more on the Promenade Deck and ask her about Xqwzts.
Head to the atrium and click on the dildo near the top left of the screen (26 of 32). Talk to Peter the Purser about everything - you need photo ID to get a passport. Go to your inventory, and use the mucilage on the dirty pictures, then use the pictures on your keycard to make a photo ID. Use this on Peter and you will get your passport. Go over and use the white courtesy phone and make 6 prank phonecalls (you get a point each time).
Return to Xqwzts and give him your passport, then take the custodial key he leaves behind. Use your screwdriver on the airvent and you will climb through. Click on yourself (if you have trouble finding yourself in the pitch black, walk somewhere, then click on that same spot) and undress. After the cut-scene, pick up the handkerchief, which is embroided with the letters AB. Select "Other" then "smell" the handkerchief. Go to the ballroom and read the new note from Jamie Lee, then go to the Poop Deck. Look at the girls in the hot tub and talk to them about everything.
Go to the kitchen and click on the dildo in the sausages on the right (27 of 32). Look at the pink poodle hanging from the ceiling, and the large net of fish. Also look at the fish heads in the basket. Use the CaviarMaster 2000 on the set of drawers. Take the pot and the salt shaker, as well as the wrapped fish. In your inventory, read the magazine to learn a recipe.
Use your map to reach the Proud Lil' Seaman Lounge, then head down to the right. Try to go through the green door, but Johnson won't let you. Talk to him and order a Lime Juice, then order a Gigantic Erection and he will leave to make it. Now head through the green door. Click on the dildo behind the hay (28 of 32), then switch the can of deodorant with your can of silicone lubricant. Play with the karaoke machine for a while, then press the red button on the right before you leave the room. Outside, look at the lighting truss and take the bulb, then insert your heat lamp bulb. Order another Gigantic Erection, then go back into the dressing room and press the red button again. Exit the room once more, then walk down and out through the door. Go back inside and enjoy the performance.
Now, remembering the recipe from the magazine, go to the library. Click on the beaver on the right bookshelf, and select "Other" then "milk" (an easter egg). Return to the Proud Lil' Seaman Lounge, then head up on to the stage and take the clothing chase lights. Head left and take the remote control, then turn it on. Click on the mixer equipment the remote control was on, and select "Other" then "feel" (yet another easter egg). Leave the stage and walk down to the right, then order another Gigantic Erection from Johnson. Enter the dressing room again for a special reward.
Go to the Poop Deck Horseshoes and click on the dildo on the far court (29 of 32). Put your card in the centaur's butt and you will receive some horseshoes. Click on the court and play the game, but you will lose. Use your map to reach the El Replicant Sculpture Garden, and once again climb the ladders. Use your chase lights on the spike, then return to the Horseshoes. Use your card once more, and now turn on your remote control. Play the game and this time you will win. Remember to collect your card.
Tail Deck Bowling
Use your map to reach the Tail Deck Bowling Competition. Click on the dildo in the rhino's butt (30 of 32). Put your card between the walrus' teeth and get a bowling ball, then play the game and you will lose.
Go to the Heaving Ho', then up through the door into the Blind Dessert Taste Test. Look at the bottom left chair, where the woman in black was sitting previously. Take the piece of paper from beneath the chair and look at it in your inventory - it is a life insurance policy. Go back and see Peter the Purser, who will refuse to tell you Annette's room number. Use the white courtesy phone to dial the Boning number twice, then speak to Peter again. Have him check your account, and while he is gone look at his phone. Press the red button to get Annette's cabin number - 1009.
On your map, head to the Owner's Suite. Go through the glass doors into the bedroom. Look at the bed, then smell it before climbing in. After you are dressed again, return to the Owner's Suite. Click on the bulge of the 3rd male statue on the left, select "Other" and type "unzip" (another easter egg). Press the red button to the right of the door and you will see Annette again. Talk to her about everything, then use your carving knife on her and she will run away. Push the doorbell again, and this time use the life insurance policy on her to get rich.
Go to the Aft Hold on your map, and use the custodial key in the handle. Open the bowling pin hopper and spray deodorant on the pins, then open your inventory and put some KZ jelly on Annette's handkerchief. Return to the Bowling Competition. Insert your card again and pick up a bowling ball. Rub the bowling ball with the handkerchief, then bowl and win.
Captain's Cook Off
Travel back to the Proud Lil' Seaman Lounge and listen to a very boring stand-up comedian. You just need to wait on this screen for around 30 minutes while he tells his jokes, and you will eventually earn 5 points - there is no way to speed up the process. Once this is over, go to the Forward Hold. Use your custodial key on the door to get inside, and you will be hit in the head by a suitcase. Click on the dildo to the left (31 of 32), then look at the suitcase and grab it.
Go to the Clothing Optional Pool and find the dildo behind the lower right bushes (32 of 32). Walk to the left and you will be given the loaner bathers again. Talk to Drew and push that branch out of the way again. Talk to her about Fokker and now you can pan all the way down. Next click on Drew's drink and use your orgasmic powder. Click on the drink, select "Other" and type "drink" (another easter egg). Tell Drew about her suitcase and she will go to your cabin.
To get Drew out of your shower, simply flush the toilet. Leave your cabin and return again, and collect the mold from the shower. Next head to the Lower Aft. Use your custodial key to get inside, then "milk" one of the beavers, and you will have all the ingredients for the recipe you discovered earlier. Go to the kitchen and use the Venezuelan beaver milk in the CyberCheese 2000. Next use the kumquats with the cheese. Look at the green snake on the floor of the kitchen, then go to the Captain's Cook Off.
Give your quiche to the first judge, but she doesnt' like it. Go back to the competition again, and in your inventory add the orgasmic powder to the quiche, then give it to the judge a second time - you will now win the competition.
Using your map, go up to the Captain's Quarters and knock on the door. Head inside after the last "winner" is brought out. Talk to the Captain about everything, then use your stock options on her to complete the game.
To see the extra cut-scene after the credits you must collect all 32 dildos throughout the game and find all 8 easter eggs.
- About Screen - In the photograph
- Aft Deck - In the plant
- Best Dressed Competition - Next to the computer
- Bridge - Right near the door
- Cabin 0 - Behind the bucket
- Cabin 0 - Behind the toilet
- Cabin 0 - Left, near the pipes
- Captain Queeg's Ballroom - On the stage
- Captain Queeg's Ballroom - Behind the mermaid statue
- Captain Queeg's Ballroom - Behind the chair
- Clothing Optional Pool - In bottom left bushes
- Clothing Optional Pool - In bottom right bushes
- Das Grande Atriumo - Behind palm trees on right
- Das Grande Atriumo - Right of library entrance
- Das Grande Atriumo - Top left of screen
- El Replicant Sculpture Garden - Behind left foot of David
- Employees Only Area - Under the foosball table
- Fo'c's'le - In the plant
- Forward Hold - Near the blue suitcase
- Heaving Ho' - In the greek salad
- Heaving Ho' - In the tray of sausages
- Kitchen - Hanging with the sausages
- Library - Near grandfather clock
- Library - On Vicki's desk
- Lovemaster 2000 Competition - Top of the fourth booth
- Pair O'Dice Casino - Sitting at the blackjack table
- Poop Deck Horseshoes - On the far court
- Promenade Deck - In the plant
- Proud Lil' Seaman Lounge - On floor, near seat
- Proud Lil' Seaman Lounge - Left of Johnson's window
- Proud Lil' Seaman Lounge - Juggs' dressing room
- Tail Deck Bowling - In the rhino's butt
- Push the branch out of the way of Drew Baringmore's chest at the pool
- Hold down control and click on the left guy on Vicki's computer screen in the library
- Click on yourself and "Dream" in the ballroom
- Milk the beaver in the library (then enter the Juggs' dressing room)
- Feel the mixer controls on the stage (then go back and talk to Drew about Fokker)
- Unzip the 3rd male statue on the left at the Owner's Suite
- The last easter egg is automatically awarded if you have all 32 dildos and 1000 points at the end of the game